A School Year as told by a parent in 45 seconds

  • Why have I no storage space on my phone?


  • Can you give me 2 minutes
  • Where are the batteries?
  • Jesus I wouldn’t have a clue how to do that maths, ask your Dad
  • Did you eat your lunch?
  • Who’s crying now?
  • How is it 50euro for photocopying?
  • How was school?
  • No, the whole class can’t have a sleepover
  • How do you mean you left the book in school?
  • Who keeps drinking all the bottles of water? They are for the lunches *mutters fucks sake, that’s the start of it now*
  • Put on Finding Nemo there
  • No you cant do piano, music, basketball, soccer, yoga, ukelele, piano, badminton, tennis, camogie, karate, gymnastics, Russian, swahili – pick one

will to live

  • Did you pay that?
  • Why is his ass out?
  • Where is the brush?
  • Have you any homework?
  • What the fuck happened the front of your shoes?
  • I’ll see
  • Is your homework done?
  • Are one of ye selling bobbles down the playground or what?
  • What is that down the front of your jumper?
  • Another note?
  • Come back, what’s in your hand?
  • Did you actually paint with your new tracksuit on?
  • Are they staying for dinner?
  • Where are all your twistables?
  • DINNER!!
  • Where is his shoe?
  • I’m in the loo
  • What do you mean a half day? sure you only started last week
  • Where’s your fucking washing basket?
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  • What the fuck happened your sleeves?
  • Where is your hairband?
  • Say sorry to your sister
  • They want how much?
  • Who owns this milk?
  • Do you think I’m made of money?
  • (on a Friday) Is that the same apple since Monday?
  • Another birthday party?
  • What do you mean you want to give up basketball? you just started it
  • Are all the babywipes gone?
  • How do you mean you lost your jumper? I just bought the fucking thing
  • Where is the pain?
  • Lads, who left the fucking markers out?
  • Have you got your coat?
  • Did you do the dishwasher?
  • Are you alright there in your shorts, its fucking freezing
  • Who ate my galaxy?
  • You need 100 plastic bottles by the morning?
  • Just ignore her
  • Will I stick something in their lunch box for Halloween for the laugh?


  • What do you mean you dont like yoga? you just fucking started it
  • I dunno why he is screaming love
  • No we cant put the Christmas tree up, its October
  • Can someone get me a towel he just got sick everywhere
  • I dunno where the fucking elf is
  • What time is it over?
  • Put on your hat
  • No you cant get a play doh set for Christmas or glitter or shopkins or a drum kit

you do

  • Are all the bottle tops gone?
  • Take out the hoover for me there
  • Who put a whistle in the party bag? for fucks sake
  • Have you even changed your underwear today?
  • Did you go to the loo?
  • Take that recorder off him
  • What’s wrong with you?
  • Close the door
  • Get me a towel, now she is after getting sick everywhere
  • Is the heating on?
  • What’s your sister got in her mouth?
  • If you are good we can
  • I still don’t know where the fucking elf is
  • Can you take down those Christmas decorations so I can put them up
  • Its called the Man Flu girls
  • Can you barricade the tree
  • Yes its my birthday, no I’m not 45
  • A fucking viral infection?
  • Can you turn off the light?
  • What time is that play on at?
  • Yes I feel about 150
  • I dunno how many hours until Santa gets here
  • No you cant change the list now
  • If you don’t cop on you will be getting coal
  • Did you get calpol?
  • No I didn’t get batteries for the toys I thought you did
  • What do you mean the toy show is boring?
  • Where am I going to get three fucking shoeboxes for that collection tomorrow?
  • Can you keep an eye out when I take the stuff out?
  • What was that noise?
  • Who got ya that?
  • Everyone has turkey and ham
  • No you cant have pasta
  • What do you mean you lost it? you only fucking got it this morning
  • No you cant take all your toys with ya
  • How many days left until they are back to school?
  • What are we doing for her 7th birthday?
  • What do you mean, another midterm?
  • Did you get valentines cards for the kids?
  • Have you any green clothes that will fit them for Paddy’s Day?
  • How many fucking easter eggs do I have to get?
  • Jesus Christ, the bikinis are out already
  • Id love a holiday
  • Not a fucking hope could I get on a plane with him
  • We might do something next year
  • I know its unfair
  • Sure you have the whole summer off
  • Did you hide those clues for the egg hunt?
  • When are they back to school?
  • Is it uniform or tracksuit today?
  • I’d say Monica is too big for the ol’ Teddy Bears picnic
  • What is she doing for her 16th birthday?
  • They have another day off?
  • I don’t care what Marys mother said
  • How many weeks now until the summer holidays?
  • Have you still that same fucking apple in the bag since September?
  • Fuck it just take Monica to the picnic


  • What are we going to do for his 4th birthday?
  • What the fuck is this green mouldy bag of dust in the front of your bag?
  • What is that smell?
  • What do you mean the shoes are too tight they will have to last you now til June
  • Another fucking copy? for what? you are finished next week
  • Why don’t you want to do swimming?
  • More lice? are they for real
  • Have you a fiver for that birthday card?
  • Sure its always roasting when they are doing their exams
  • Is that a hole in your pants? fuck it it will have to do until you are finished
  • What the fuck did your last slave die of?
  • Have you your stuff for the tour?
  • No more school runs, lunches or uniforms now thank fuck
  • Do we have any paddling pool?
  • Where’s that fucking sandpit?
  • How do you mean the togs are too small?
  • Have we any Factor 50?
  • Can you take out that garden furniture there
  • Bring in those cushions its raining
  • Anyone see that tent?
  • When are they back to school again?

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